You Don’t Have To Be Mad To Mean No

I Think A Lot Of Women Are Confusing Setting And Enforcing Boundaries With Being Cruel, Cold, Mean, Or Angry Because Many Of Us Have Never Seen Healthy Relationships With Enforced Boundaries.

We Have Seen People Tolerate Disrespect Until They Explode.

We Have Seen People Say Yes While Resenting Others.

We Have Seen People Threaten To Leave, Stop Speaking, Or Cut Somebody Off, Then Continue Allowing The Same Behavior Because They Feel Guilty.

So Some Women Have Learned That A Boundary Is Something You Set Once You Are Pissed Off Enough.

But Sis, Anger Is Not The Boundary.

The Boundary Is The Limit.

Communication Is Making The Limit Known.

Enforcement Is What You Do When Somebody Crosses It.

Anger Is An Emotion That May Be Present While You Do Those Things.

You Can Love Somebody And Tell Them No.

You Can Understand Their Perspective And Still Disagree.

You Can Forgive Somebody And Still Remove Their Access To You.

You Can Hear Their Feelings Without Making Their Feelings Responsible For Your Decision.

And You Can Enforce A Consequence Without Hurting, Humiliating, Punishing, Or Destroying Anybody.

That Is Emotional Maturity.

Sometimes A Calm Woman With Boundaries Will Look “Mean” To People Who Are Accustomed To Women Overexplaining, Overgiving, Overextending, And Emotionally Caretaking Others.

“I’m Not Available For That.”

“Please Don’t Speak To Me That Way.”

“I Understand You’re Upset. My Decision Hasn’t Changed.”

Those Statements Aren’t Cruel.

They Just Don’t Provide Unlimited Access.

And Someone Being Uncomfortable With Your Boundary Does Not Mean You Harmed Them.

This Is Where Self-Governance Matters.

The Goal Is Not To Become So Angry That People Finally Respect You.

The Goal Is To Become So Clear About Your Standards That You Don’t Need Anger To Enforce Them.

Healthy Boundaries Should Reduce Unnecessary Conflict Because Everyone Knows What Is Acceptable, What Is Not, And What Happens When The Line Is Crossed.

You Don’t Need To Scream.

You Don’t Need To Hate Anybody.

You Don’t Need To Become Cruel.

You Need Clarity, Consistency, And The Courage To Follow Through.

You Don’t Have To Be Mad To Mean No.