Curiosity As An Emotional Regulation Mechanism

One Of The Most Underrated Signs Of Emotional Maturity Is Curiosity.

Not Being Calm All The Time.

Not Never Getting Angry.

Not Pretending Something Didn’t Hurt Your Feelings.

Curiosity.

Because Emotional Maturity Is Not The Absence Of An Emotional Reaction.

It Is The Ability To Experience An Emotional Reaction Without Immediately Handing That Emotion The Keys To Your Thoughts, Interpretation, And Behavior.

And THAT Is Where Curiosity Comes In.

Think About What Happens When Somebody Questions You.

They Ask:

“Why Do You Believe That?”

That Is Literally Just A Question.

But Your Mind May Immediately Decide:

“They’re Challenging Me.”

“They Think I’m Stupid.”

“They’re Trying To Embarrass Me.”

“They’re Being Disrespectful.”

Now You’re Irritated.

But Hold On.

Did They Actually Say Any Of That?

Or Did Your Mind Fill In The Missing Information?

Because There Is A BIG Difference Between:

What Happened.

And:

What You Decided What Happened Meant.

And If You Cannot Tolerate The Space Between Those Two Things, You’re Going To Spend A Lot Of Your Life Emotionally Reacting To Stories Your Own Mind Created.

Curiosity Creates A Pause

Without Curiosity, The Process Can Look Like This:

Stimulus → Interpretation → Emotion → Reaction

Somebody Questions Me.

I Interpret It As Disrespect.

I Become Angry.

I Respond To Them As If Disrespect Has Already Been Proven.

Curiosity Interrupts That Process.

Now We Have:

Stimulus → Emotion → Curiosity → Investigation → Interpretation → Response

“Wait. Why Did That Irritate Me?”

“What Did I Assume They Meant?”

“Do I Actually Know Their Intention?”

“Could There Be Another Explanation?”

“Maybe They’re Confused.”

“Maybe They’re Genuinely Curious.”

“Maybe I Didn’t Explain Myself Clearly.”

“Maybe They Disagree.”

“Maybe They Know Something I Don’t.”

“Or Maybe They Really ARE Being Disrespectful.” 😂

Curiosity Does Not Mean You Have To Become Naive.

It Means You Investigate Before You Convict.

Emotional Maturity Requires Tolerating “I Don’t Know Yet”

This Is Where Emotional Regulation And Critical Thinking Start Holding Hands.

An Emotionally Mature Person Has To Develop Some Capacity To Sit Inside:

“I Don’t Know What This Means Yet.”

That Can Be Uncomfortable.

Human Beings Like Certainty.

We Want To Know Why Somebody Said Something.

Why They Looked At Us Like That.

Why They Didn’t Text Back.

Why They Asked That Question.

What Their Tone Meant.

What Their Motive Was.

So The Mind Starts Filling In Blanks.

And Sometimes What Looks Like An Anger Problem Is Actually An Interpretation Problem.

You’re Not Only Angry About What Happened.

You’re Angry About What You THINK What Happened Means.

That Is Why Curiosity Can Be Such A Powerful Regulation Tool.

Curiosity Allows You To Say:

“My Interpretation Is Possible. It Is Not Yet Proven.”

Baby, THAT Requires Maturity.

Mature Curiosity Looks In Both Directions

Curiosity Shouldn’t Only Be:

“Why Would SHE Say That?”

Turn That Magnifying Glass Around.

Ask:

“Why Did That Affect ME Like That?”

“What Did I Feel?”

“What Meaning Did I Assign To It?”

“What Was I Afraid This Meant?”

“Did I Feel Rejected?”

“Embarrassed?”

“Challenged?”

“Disrespected?”

“Out Of Control?”

“Did Being Questioned Make Me Feel Like My Authority Was Being Threatened?”

Now We’re Getting Somewhere.

Because Self-Governance Requires The Ability To Observe Yourself WHILE You Are Experiencing Yourself.

You Can Feel Angry And Still Examine Your Anger.

You Can Feel Offended And Still Question Your Interpretation.

You Can Feel Threatened And Still Ask Whether A Threat Actually Exists.

And After Investigation, You Might Discover:

“Nah. I Read That Wrong.”

OR…

“Nope. I Asked Questions, Gathered More Information, And Shawty Really WAS Being Disrespectful.” 😂

Both Outcomes Are Possible.

The Point Is That You Investigated.

Your Emotions Are Real. Your Explanation Is A Hypothesis.

This Is The Part I Need Women To Understand.

“I Feel Disrespected” Does Not Automatically Mean “You Intended To Disrespect Me.”

“I Feel Rejected” Does Not Automatically Mean “You Rejected Me.”

“I Feel Judged” Does Not Automatically Mean “You Are Judging Me.”

“I Feel Threatened” Does Not Automatically Mean “You Threatened Me.”

Your Emotion Can Be Completely Real While Your First Explanation For WHY You Feel It Is Completely Wrong.

Emotional Maturity Is Being Able To Hold Both Possibilities At Once.

That Is Psychological Flexibility.

That Is Critical Thinking.

That Is Emotional Regulation.

And That Is Self-Governance.

Start Replacing Conclusions With Questions

The Next Time Something Activates You, Before You Decide What It Means, Get Curious.

Ask Yourself:

What Actually Happened?

What Did I Interpret It To Mean?

What Evidence Supports That Interpretation?

What Information Am I Missing?

What Else Could Be True?

What Is This Reaction Teaching Me About ME?

Then Decide How You Want To Respond.

Because Emotional Maturity Is Not Becoming Less Emotional.

It Is Becoming More Capable Of Investigating Your Emotions Before Appointing Them As Decision-Makers.

And Sometimes The Most Emotionally Intelligent Sentence You Can Say Is Simply:

“Hmm. I Don’t Know Yet. Let Me Find Out.”

— Mama OD